Howard Stern Interview
By Chaunce Hayden
Steppin out magazine (www.steppinoutmagazine.com)
After this Friday, December 16th, radio as we know it will never be the same. By the afternoon, Manhattan's sanitation department will have begun to clean up the mess left by the thousands of adoring fans cheering on Howard Stern as he bids farewell to censorship, and welcomes the FCC-free world of Sirius Satellite Radio.
I had my first Howard Stern experience 16 years ago. It was the morning that The New York Post reported a backstage brawl between myself and the late comic Sam Kinison. Howard found it amusing that the notorious comedian would attack a scribe from a freebie magazine. So in true shock jock fashion, he tried to reunite Kinison and myself on the air. Although that moment never materialized, what would follow for the next two decades would change my life forever.
Whether I was sharing inside info on a celebrity, exposing my own personal life, or judging the "The Amputee Beauty Pageant", being a part of the Howard Stern Show was like a roller coaster ride into hell. But looking back, I have no regrets. Not even for the ugly way it ended last year when my ride finally came to an abrupt halt after a Security Exchange Commission investigation into whether or not Howard and I were involved in a Sirius stock trade scam. The SEC was hoping to score another Martha Stewart type bust. Instead, the government's last final attempt to bring down Stern resulted in nothing more than a few forgotten headlines. Not surprisingly, the unwanted negative attention was enough for Howard to cut ties with yours truly and end our love/hate relationship for good.
However, before my turbulent relationship with Howard went sour, I was given an opportunity to audition for a job working for the King Of All Media. The spot formerly occupied by Stuttering John Melendez was now available, since he had moved on to be Jay Leno's sidekick. During my week long trial run in the spring of 2004, I got to make a total ass out of myself all in an effort to win the approval (and votes) of the fans. My contribution consisted of memorable moments such as "The Harlem Ho Beauty Pageant," revealing to the world Beetlejuice's similarly afflicted sister in a touching on-air family moment, and on the final day, a crying jag that you're probably still talking about if you heard it.
But for me, the most memorable moment of that long week was on the final day when I talked Howard Stern into granting me a rare interview. I expected his answers to be nothing more than sharp-witted one liners...but what I got instead was an honest glimpse into both his personal and professional life.
The following is a transcript of that interview.
Chaunce Hayden: Since I was a participant, I'm just curious, how were you personally affected by the “Get John's Job” contest?Howard Stern: I'll give you a serious answer. It made me realize that sometimes my own loyalty is stupid. That sometimes when you change things up and you have new people come in-new blood so to speak-it adds something to your life and to your show and to the creative pool. You can't be afraid to take those kinds of risks. Sometimes I'm loyal to the point that I keep people around too long. There's an energy gotten when new people come in with new, fresh ideas. Like I've always maintained. Good ideas come from all different places. You don't need a professional comedy writer. You don't need to necessarily have someone who has written ten hit movies. They're all kinds of talent out there. So in other words I'm saying, “Good-bye Gary!” Also to say, you don't throw out the good people. But the fact of the matter is, you can't be afraid of change. I love Jackie [Martling]. I begged him to stay. I'll go down saying that. It was his own demise. Working with Artie [Lange] has been one of the best experiences ever. I love the guy. I think he's a terrific talent. He's added a new dimension to the show. John [Melendez] left. I loved John. He was a good guy. But after a week of you I went, “Hey, they're some new and interesting ideas out there.”
Speaking of John Melendez [aka, Stuttering John], was there ever a sense of betrayal?Never. No. Well, I shouldn't say never. The thing I don't like in this is Jay Leno. It's not a John thing. Jay has been bankrupt since the 80s. He was a terrific stand-up comic. But Jay is now a bankrupt performer. He's a sellout. He's never asked a controversial question. You never hear anybody say the next morning; “Jay Leno had Laura Bush on and really asked her one question…(Pausing)” It's absolutely laughable how he's become a shill. A show business sellout. His monologue is safe and what is most despicable and where he is most dishonest is the amount of material he takes off of this show. Especially his head writer.
Do you think John handled the situation the best way it could have been handled?Absolutely not.
What do you wish John would have done?I think what John should of done is come to me at some point if he was interested in staying here and said, “Listen, I got a legitimate offer from someone. They're offering me a lot of money and it's turning my head.” But John really wanted to leave.
Did you know that?I didn't know that. But I'm saying I knew that by his actions. Because he would of come to me and said, “Howard, I don't want to leave. Is there something you can do?” He'll tell you he tried to talk to me and stuff. But that's just not the case. The fact of the matter is, I like John. I have no problem with John. Jay I have a huge problem with. By the way, Jay is a whining bitch! Even more than me! I'll tell you why he's a whining bitch. I know several people who have said to me, Jay Leno has had people raided from him by other talk shows. And Jay will get on the phone and say [mimicking Jay Leno's voice] “Hey! How can you do that! Those are my people!” in that stupid voice of his. Jay knows the way to handle things. Then he called me to appear on his dumb show when we were in Vegas and I wouldn't even consider it. You got to be kidding me! As much as I insult Jay. As much as I talk about what a turd Jay is… and I'll tell you why else he's bankrupt…he's such a sell out, he'll do anything for ratings. To the point where he'll even suck my ass while I sit and berate him. He still tells people that I'm his friend. Jay Leno has no friends. Jay Leno is a robot!
Do you think the FCC makes the show better because there's a sense that you're crossing the line? Will not having rules on Satellite radio change the dynamic of the show since you won't be going too far anymore?This show will be 50,000 times funnier on Satellite radio.
Does profanity make the show funnier?Yes. The fact of the matter is, if I was allowed to speak the way I speak off the air, as funny as I am, I'm 50,000 times funnier when I can use the “C” word for a women's vagina. It's my favorite word and I pepper it in my humor. Go see a Chris Rock show and hear his foul language and hear how funny he is. Everybody says he's the funniest guy in America. Then go see his movies where he's G-rated. When I'm G-rated I'm hysterical. When I'm X-rated I am brilliant.
Which do you see yourself more, as an agnostic or an atheist?Define agnostic please.
Someone who thinks there could be something out there but isn't sure what. I don't want to answer.
Why?I know intellectually there is no God. But in case that there is, I don't want to piss him off by saying that. If you watch that tape of that guy getting his head cut off, there's no way there could be a God. No God could allow that. If I was God I would say, “Listen, I can't allow this. I'm going to stop it.” Just as his head was about to be cut off I would break the Arab's arms. If God is compassionate, he would never allow it.
Does it make doing a show like yours easier knowing there is no God?No. I believe I am doing the work for humanity. This show is so uplifting. If you had been in Vegas instead of sitting home looking for “ho”s you would have seen the love and camaraderie that this show produces. Let me tell you something: This show is all about the love.
If there is a heaven and hell, where do you think you'll end up? Heaven!
No question? Absolutely! Who would be there before me?
Do you fear death?Yes.
Did turning 50 increase that fear?Yes. I don't like being 50 and I don't like thinking about death. I can't imagine a world without me. You poor people. I can't imagine that this is the end of the world for Howard Stern. I mean, I'm so wonderful. If there was a God how could he let me die? The world needs me. [more seriously] Yes, I am afraid of it.
In the event of your untimely death, does your girlfriend Beth [Ostrosky] know how much she'll get from your estate?No.
Does she ever ask?No.
If your sidekick Robin Quivers were to die prematurely, would you replace her with another black woman?First of all, I would never replace Robin with a type of person. If Robin died I would go on with the show. Would I replace her with a black woman? Robin is not replaceable. So what I would do is take over the newswomen role. I don't think of Robin as a newswomen and that's a compliment. She's not like a straight newsreader. She could do that, but you know what I'm saying. I would probably have it be just me, Artie and maybe another guy or something. I think it's nice to have a woman's point of view. So I guess I would hire a newswoman. But I don't think she would have as prominent role as Robin does. I don't think Robin is replaceable. Never again a black woman though!
At the early crossroads in your career, when you made that choice to pursue radio, would you have instead chosen a different profession if you knew it would mean not getting divorced one day?No. I realize I am a person married to my career. I'm a workaholic. I have a love hate relationship with my work. People take a second place role in my life. Which is unfortunate for me. It's not good. I should learn to love and be loved. But work is my mistress. As painful as my divorce is…and it's upsetting. I was watching that CNN piece where they show clips of my marriage and it wasn't great. But the fact of the matter is I wouldn't change my career for anything.
This is a very personal question. But who was the first person to say the word “divorce”, you or Alison?[Very long pause] I don't remember. It was very mutual, I'll tell you that. Some people perceive it as “Oh, you're the big shot on the radio who just wanted to go off…” But we had gotten to the point where we were not seeing eye to eye on a bunch of things. So we tried for a long time to see eye to eye and it just wasn't working. We both weren't happy. But I don't know if anybody used the word “divorce.” I'm sure somebody brought it up. We were in marriage counseling and all that. I just don't remember who brought it up.
Were you surprised that Alison got remarried as quickly as she did?Yes, I was.
Did that bother you?No. I was happy for her. But I was shocked I was a little surprised. I was also worried it would be hard on my kids. But they've adjusted well and the guy she married is a very, very nice guy and very good to my kids too.
Which Wack Pack member do you feel the most concern for?You. I'm afraid you're going to jump off a building. Actually, the one I have the most concern for is John The Stutterer.
Why?I feel that he is very, very sensitive and vulnerable. I think the world has beaten him up. Now Beetlejuice is a guy who is so far gone that he has tremendous self-confidence and Jeff the Drunk could still clean up his act. But John The Stutterer can't. It's a very painful affliction for him. He's a nice guy. He's a charming guy and I feel bad for his affliction. So I worry about him most.
What worries you most?I just think he has a sad life. I think life has beaten him up so much. That's why I have him on the show. I know it makes him happy.
When Hank The Angry Dwarf died, was there a moment when you thought the show might have a played a part in his death by enabling his self-destructive behavior? Specifically his drinking?I never thought that. Hank the Dwarf was pickled when we found him. I think he was very unhappy and people used to pick on him a lot. As he said to me in private, this show made him acceptable. That people at least showed him some love. We tried a couple of times to get him into rehab and clean him up. He was actually quite funny on his own. He didn't need to be drunk. I explained that to him. So he went into rehab and his mother was grateful. She had tried. Everyone had tried. But that is who Hank was. He even said to me that he didn't want to live. He said, “I want to pickle myself this way and die. I don't like being a dwarf and I don't like being small. I have no joy in it.” This is what he wanted. So, no I don't have any feelings like that.
Dominic [Barbara], Vinny [Favale], Ralph [Cirella] are all people who you have a personal friendship with. What is the one common denominator that draws you to the three of them?Common denominator? There is none. I don't have an answer for that. Some of those people are better friends than others.
Your girlfriend Beth has claimed in interviews that your relationship is all about you. Have you discussed that?Yes. First of all, she's right. It is all about me. I am a narcissist. Every situation is turned around on how it affects me. Any woman who could be with me is a saint. Beth says she loves me because of my faults. She likes it all. There are a lot of pluses to. But it is true, it is all about me. That's just the way I was raised.
Why would Beth want to be in a relationship that is all about the other person? How can a relationship like that last under those conditions?It does seem unrealistic to me. And she knows that. She says she has a great relationship with me and a great time with me. But she doesn't know that it will last.
What have the two of you said in private about this?I said [to Beth], do you really feel that it's all about me? And I started to point out all of the great things I do in the relationship making it all about me again. And it dawned on me that it is all about me. I told her she's right. I said, “You're right honey.” That's it… However, we both agree that you're gay.
You claim to be half Italian and half Jewish. If you had to choose which of those you would rather be 100 percent, which one would you pick?Italian.
Why?Because it's very hard to be Jewish in this country. My half Jewish side has been beaten with chains.
What about the Italian side?Surprisingly, they left that side alone. I've seen attacks. It's very frustrating to see the world's reaction to Israel. It's overwhelming. And who wants to be overwhelmed by feelings of hatred. My Jewish side despises the world.
Have you ever said anything on the air that was so insensitive that it almost ended your relationship with Beth?Yes.
Do you care to elaborate?Yes. Let me think. I know there's been one or two times when I talked about women on the air. You know, women I want to bang and stuff. That's been rough.
That said, does your relationship with Beth change the way you do you show? Are there topics you won't talk about now?Yeah, there are some things I might hold back. Than I'll forget about it and a month later I'll do them. I have a problem and this is what ruins my relationships. The “on-air” topics come before any relationship. The radio is what comes first in my life.
What does that say about you?It says that I need the love of millions, more than the love of one person. There's a sickness involved in that. You've got to understand it's a sickness when you've got to hold everybody to you like a magnet. That way of life can never be fulfilling. It's the comedian who looks at the one person in the audience not laughing.
That said, how will you ever be able to retire?It might be very difficult. I'm not sure I'll be able to pull the plug on this. I think it will be one of the most exciting things that I've ever done personally in my life and reinvent myself and learn to love a few people rather than have to have millions of people involved with me. That frightens me also. In fact, I might have to retire after this interview I'm so bored with this.
Do you think Artie Lang's drinking has increased since he's become a member of the show?Absolutely not. I believe that Artie has not confronted his worst demons yet. The job has actually given him some structure in his life. I think that his drinking was much worse and the job has actually helped him from that downward spiral. Having said that, I still think that Artie has work to do in that area. He went to rehab and is very proud he got off coke. But I think he's using alcohol and gambling too much.
It seemed after the last Vegas show you were annoyed with [an inebriated] Artie on the air. I wasn't annoyed. Artie was being Artie. One of the things Robin will tell you after all these years we worked together, I don't control the way people act on the air. I was just talking to Jim Belushi the other day in the park. He was complaining about something Robin said on the air and he said I should control her. So I said, “Jim, you don't know me. I don't control anybody! The show would be boring if I tried to control Robin.” There are things that Robin does on the air that annoy me. There are things that Artie does and certainly Fred [Norris]! And I won't even talk about Benji [Bronk]. The thing is I don't tell anybody what to do. If Artie wants to drink on the air everyday, that's Artie's business. I thought Artie being drunk on the air was exactly what you would expect from a drunk. There were annoying aspects to it. But that's Artie being Artie. That's why he's here.
You never used to drink. But it seems after you're marriage started to fail you picked up the habit. Is that accurate?Yes.
Was that self-medicate?No. [Long pause] Maybe it was. That's a tough one to answer. I started to get social and I remember I went on a trip to the Bahamas with three male friends. And my friend Jerry started me drinking wine. He said, “You've got to get into wine.” So I started to drink the wine. I hadn't had wine in 20 something years. I never had any interest in it. All I've ever been interested in was working. I never drank wine and after college I stopped doing drugs. My drug was this radio career. So when I went to the Bahamas we started to have some drinks and I said, “I like this! I understand why people drink now!” Than when I started to go out with friends I started to drink a little vodka and this and that and the other thing. I think in the beginning I was probably drinking a little too much. But my vanity kicked in and I don't like the calories from drinking. Now during the week I don't drink at all. And on the weekend I'll have two drinks maybe on a Friday night. Maybe on Saturday I might have some wine if Beth and I go to dinner. That's the extent of my drinking. But to be honest, I guess maybe it was a little bit of self-medication. When I got separated, I felt very awkward in a lot of situations. I was used to having Alison around. The whole thing was weird.
How do you think you'll be remembered long after you're gone and how would you prefer to be remembered?I don't think I'll be remembered all that much. I got my first glimpse of that when I was fired from NBC. Literally after two weeks I was mostly forgotten. If I went on TV people would remember me, but to tell you the truth I do not think I'll be remembered.
Historians won't remember you at all?Well, I think I'll be in the history books as somebody who was more involved in the federal government and the free speech issue.
You don't think you'll be bigger than that?I don't think I've ever really been recognized for the impact that I've had on the entertainment community. I have always been disrespected my entire career. Marvin Kittman wrote an article when I first started being syndicated into Los Angeles. In the article he said, “I believe when Howard Stern starts broadcasting into L.A., the entire industry will change.” He spelled it out. And the entire industry changed. The way people speak on TV, the way people do talk shows, the way people do sitcoms, the language... everything. I would even dare say that the reality television craze that we now see was brought on by this show. American Idol itself is a show I did in 1980! I've influenced an entire generation of people who are now in the television industry. I probably am the single most important factor in modern entertainment today.
And that will never be recognized, in your opinion?No. Are you kidding me? I'm so despised and so envied. Don Hewitt and Bill Cosby- and other people who are power brokers in the industry-discount what I am. Even in their defense of me against the FCC, they all say one thing. They all say, they hate my show and they hate me and they say I have no talent. But they defend my right to free speech. That's how history books will remember me. I am Tiger Woods, Mickey Mantle and JFK all rolled into one. But I never will be given the credit.
Finally, how would you like your final epitaph to read?I would like it to say, “We'll be right back after these words.”
Send your comments to Chaunce100@aol.com
