Artie, Jason, & Benjy Face Imminent Horrible Death!!!!

by I. Humphrey

This is perhaps the most important and noble post I've ever written on this blog. In fact, the information I have to impart is so vital, I've bumped my sensational planned blog entry on Rae Stern so I may alert readers to the dangers facing our three beloved Stern Show fat fucks. My duties as a humanitarian demand no less -- I'm all about saving lives and helping people.

Recently I was on an elevator in New York City. As you know there are millions of elevators in the Big Apple, and most of them are in serious need of mechanical repair. Each year brings a flood of news reports detailing the latest elevator catastrophes. Therefore, when I read the weight capacity sign on the elevator I was immediately filled with a sense of impending doom. 

As we're all aware, Artie, Jason, and Benjy are disgustingly obese fat fucks. As a consequence of working together they frequently ride on the same elevator. Their combined weight easily exceeds 1/2 ton! Unfortunately, most elevators are not equipped to handle their load. This is a recipe for disaster, and having Cupcake Wednesday is only tempting fate.

Now, ordinarily I don't care what adults do. If they want to meet their connection in Wilmington, pick their feet in Poughkeepsie, and engage in other forms of abusive and self-destructive behavior, so be it. That's their right. But, as Howard Stern has said on-air, it's selfish for someone jumping out of a window to kill innocent passersby -- I wholeheartedly agree! Odds are, that when Artie, Jason, and Benjy plummet to their cupcake-deaths in an overloaded elevator they will be taking other innocent lives (maybe yours) with them. 

Imagine if you will, you're a hot, sweet, big-canned, pregnant, 19-year old, communications-major, co-ed, starting the first day or your Stern Show internship. You're all excited to get on the elevator with your hero Artie Lange, and his cellulite-triumvirate brethren, Jason, and Benjy. On the way up, Artie opens a take-out bag containing his bagel and cream cheese. As he bites into the bagel, crumbs cascading down his many chins, the elevator groans, comes to a stop, shakes violently, and then starts it's mad death-descent. How would you feel knowing that if someone had read this blog entry, contacted The Stern Show, and various appropriate government agencies, your promising young life, and that of your unborn mulatto love-child could have been spared?

Therefore, noble Stern Show fan and dedicated blog reader, in the name of everything that is holy, please spread the word, sound the alarm, and make it your mission to prevent Artie, Jason, & Benjy from riding on the same elevator. Or barring this, at least make sure they don't allow any innocent, and unsuspecting other riders (unless their Imus fans) to join them on their journey to the hereafter. Remember a cook can bake a cupcake, but only you can save a bunch of fat fucks from their just desserts. God bless you!

For Howard Shrine Spews and Views, this is I. Humphrey saying, "What goes up, must come down, Beyaaaaaatch!!!"

Here are three wise children dressed like Artie, Jason, & Benjy. They've videotaped a song tribute to the three fat amigos titled Fat People Stuck In An Elevator.