STERN SHOW CONTEST CONSPIRACY: Charles Van Doren must be rolling in his grave!!!!

by I. Humphrey

To quote super-faygala Richard Simmons, "I AM IN SHOCK!" The theft of the Bababooey Song Parody Contest win from greasy, Spic-genius extraordinaire Ham Hands Bill is the worst outrage of the 21st century, and is a day which will live in infamy. Not since Charles Van Doren was fed the answers to the 1950's game show Twenty One has the American public been taken for such a ride up the proverbial Hershey Highway.

Obviously, the fix was in, and Howard Stern decided to deny Ham Hands Bill the win because he didn't want Ham Hands to win again. By choosing to expand the field of winners Howard turned the so-called contest into a sham, and in the process, on this issue became in his own words, "a phony and a fake." Okay, I'm on fire and prone to hyperbole, so cut me some slack Jack. But, it's sad to see a talent like Howard Stern undermine his own credibility by engineering this injustice.

Stern Fans the world over demand to know the answer to the following question, why was Ham Hands Bill judged on the live performance of his parody, while the other contestants were judged on their highly produced and edited recorded performances? To add insult to injury poor wheelchair bound Ham Hands lost his $4,800 plus life savings to an on-line betting company that was also a Stern Show sponsor. How fitting then would it have been for Ham Hands to be made whole again, by Becks, which sponsored this so-called contest? What one sponsor taketh away, another sponsor giveth back. I wish I could write this in Latin.  What a disgrace. The mind reels.

The only honest voice in this forest of phoneyness was Artie's. Artie was laughing so hard at Ham Hand's entry that he almost had a thrombo. So when Artie voted for another entry it was an offense to humanity. Fat fuck Artie made a big deal out of giving up his plus-one to Howard's wedding. Big deal! Fat Artie alone is plus-ten. Artie's desire to please daddy (HS), and his lack of moral character were clearly on display when he didn't vote for Ham Hands Bill. Even our fearless leader Howard Stern said Ham Hands Bill was the winner if he hadn't dragged on with the ending. BULLSHIT! Ham Hands Bill was robbed.

Back in days of yore, Robin might have voiced some dissent, or at the very least pointed out the hypocrisies in this contest. Unfortunately the days of truth and justice are behind us. The Stern Show is the 21st century equivalent of Nazi Germany, with the brown-shirted Fab 5 marching in lockstep. I'm sure Howard's idol Leni Riefenstahl must be very pleased with her protege. Ich bin ein Stern fan?

Carmina Bababooey is an unoriginal, uncreative, predictable, piece-of-shit parody. It's not even funny, and is the type of song that Howard would on any other day end after the first verse. Ray Manzarek of Carmina Burana fame must think Carmina Bababooey is pathetic. Even Imus wouldn't play it.

Sorry for this ramble, this is worse than Watergate, Iran Contra, Gulf of Tonkin, Monica Lewinsky, and the Lisa G cup cake conspiracy combined.

For Howard Shrine Spews and Views, this is I. Humphrey saying, "Who ate my burrito, Beyaaaaaaaaatch?"