by I. Humphrey
First and foremost, I'm a fan of the show. However, as the astute reader has long ago summized, I'm not a Stepford Fan -- as in the movie Stepford Wives, the plot of which revolves around men building robotic versions of their wives so that they receive blind obedience, beaucoup blow jobs, and never hear a dissenting word. Great idea for a wife, but not ideal for a fan, and especially odious for a Howard Stern Fan, a species supposedly groomed in the mold of their leader -- a towering figure of a man, a rugged iconoclast, a renowned champion of free-speech, and a legend gloriously disrespectful of the status quo.
In days-gone-by, Howard proudly proclaimed he would never exploit his fans with cheap derivative crap like tee shirts, and chotchkies. Wasn't Howard the guy who ridiculed, and publicly eviscerated right-wing figurehead Bill O'Reilly for selling an O'Reilly Factor doormat on his web site? Unfortunately, Howard never protected his fans from the hordes of parasites like Jackie The Jokeman, and just about every other Stern Show franchisee (with the notable exception of Fred Norris) hell-bent upon turning a dollar at the expense of fans like you and I.
Whom amongst us has patronized Benji Bronk's Naked Lesbian Bachelor Party Girls, Scott Salem's Rocket Entertainment, Killer's of Comedy Tour, Artie Lange's Beer League, or even Cousin Richy's BeeCeuticals? I could go on. As fans, we tolerate this crap the same way a guy tolerates a hot chick who won't shut up.
Listen, what I'm trying to communicate here, is that many fans are coming to believe they're being treated like a doormat for every Stern-related sideshow geek with shit on his shoe. Howard's waters run deep. His crude exterior is made all the more tolerable because we believe at heart he's a softy. But, he really needs to know when to say no.
This all brings me to the target of my own obnoxious, tedious, loquacity -- namely, the proliferation of derivative Stern Show crap being turned out. One prime example of this phenomena is the Stern Fan Roundup Show -- have you ever heard a more annoying bunch of sell-congratulatory boring bozos? And how about The Stern Fan Network? What would 1992 Howard Stern have to say about a radio host controlling what a fan site could say about the host, or giving the owner of a fan site a show, or enabling the owner to sell memberships and assorted crap to the host's audience? I'll give you the answer, he'd condemn it.
Fast forward to 2008. We have so many derivative spin-off shows, created from watered-down Stern-related material. It's disgusting and boring. Now Stern has acquiesced to the demands and influence of those around him into permitting, and nourishing future programs like Wack Pack at The Christy's Farm, Best of the Wrap-up Show, Ronnie "The Limo Driver" Mund Show, Killers of Comedy on the Road Show, and more. ENOUGH! I for one, long for a return to the good ol days when The Stern Show was small, and intimate. I tune in to enjoy Howard's unique perspective. Remember when Stuttering John was yelled at for turning the Killers of Comedy Shows into a "traveling Stern Show," and making fans think the show was endorsed by Howard? -- well guess what? Now it is.
Perhaps I'm just a victim of nostalgia, and caught in a time-warp of sorts. I notice that many fan's favorite Stern Show period is the time when they made the transition from occasional listener to full-time listener. This dynamic is similar to people liking the music from their teen years the best, even when decades have gone by. Would any teen coming-of-age today gravitate to the music of Neil Sedaka, or Abba? -- Unless of course they were a dancing queen?
Am I being a Stern Show old fart? I don't think so, I'm just tired of having so much crap shoved down my throat. I'm tired of BeeCeuticals, and commercials in general. I'm tired of Steve Langford, and Howard 100 News. I'm tired of The Mike Walker Game. Let's turn-down the promotion, and turn-up the laughter.
If Howard wants to create a special, then how about a special on Rae and Ben Stern? How about a return to Howard's most endearing trait -- genuine self-deprecation? Why can't The Stern Show cast and crew tell their boss that he's physically repulsive? Why do we, Howard's loyal audience have to be talked down to? Why must even the most timid dissenting voice and opinion be suppressed like the mole in a Wack-A-Mole game?
Remember when Howard, Robin, and Gary wore diapers on-air, or when Howard and Fred fucked The Real Doll? Nowadays, Howard is only able to humiliate others. In short, he's guilty of what he accuses Sal of being guilty of -- namely, being able to dish it out, but not take it. Come on Howard, for ol times sake, take a walk down mammary lane and man-up. Instead of making a retard like Elephant Boy get his anus-anus waxed, climb up on the table, assume the position, and get waxed yourself. Then when you're rubbing elbows with the Hamptons in-crowd you can regale them with humorous hair removal anecdotes of your very own.
Things have deteriorated to such an extent that underlings such as Artie Lange frequently interrupt Howard and talk over him. Even Gary has been emboldened to try this too. Howard needs to re-assert himself, and grab the reins of his kingdom before his reign becomes a mockery. What has this world come to, when Howard is silenced by a fat, New Jersey hick, Yankee Fan, Subutex-taking, junkie, hack-comic, boring storytelling, hooker-paying, low-life?
How can we sympathize with Howard's past anger towards Dead-Air Dave, while at the same time condoning Howard's giving a virtual dump button to his wife Beth? Is it good for us or the show if Beth is allowed to define what Sal or others are allowed to say about her? Where has the "I think I should just say what's on my mind" Stern gone?
Note to Mel Karmizan, lets trim the fat, and get back to basics, it's time for a mass-firing. The show has become way too over-produced. Well, I don't know what the fuck wound my clock up this sunny Sunday morning. Sheesh! I suppose on some level, I undermine my own argument, in that the fact I took the time to write all this could serve as a counter-argument, and proof for the Stern Show's current validity. But you know what the funniest thing about all this is? The one Stern Show item I always longed for was an official Stern Show tee shirt. How weird is that? Okay Howard, rock-on, you're really quite handsome :)
For Howard Shrine Spews and Views, this is I. Humphrey saying, "Where'd you hide my Prozac, Beyaaaatch?"
